


Love Unknown, Love Lost

by Wyndewalker



Category: The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 12:47:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wyndewalker/pseuds/Wyndewalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Vin dies during a bust Ezra must face the fact that he never admitted his love for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Unknown, Love Lost

Ezra stared unseeing at the playing cards as they flew from one hand to the other. He manipulated them effortlessly but his thoughts weren't on the cards. Nor was he really thinking about the five other men who were with him in the hospital waiting room. He paid no attention to JD's frenetic pacing, or to Buck snoring quietly in drug-induced slumber, his head leaning back against the wall and his arm in a sling. He didn't need to look to know that Josiah was meditating or praying, or that Nathan had flipped through the same magazine several times while sneaking glances at the nurse's station, or that Chris was sitting facing the nurse's station, glare fixed on his face and terrifying the poor nurse there.

No, his thoughts were with the member of their team that wasn't there. Vin. His friend. His partner in crime. His secret love. Since the day he'd met the long-haired Texas sharpshooter he'd been hopelessly in love with the man. Not that he'd ever let his feelings for him show. His mother hadn't raised a fool. He knew that even if by some miracle Vin returned his feelings, there was no real chance of a relationship between them. Their backgrounds were too dissimilar, opposites really. It would never work. And the opposition, the bigotry they would face at work would slowly chip away at them until it destroyed them. Assuming, of course, that 'friendly fire' didn't kill them first. He knew first hand from his days in Atlanta how these things worked and he would never let Vin face them.

For the moment he was sitting in the waiting room with the others while Vin was being operated on, pretending that he didn't feel like his whole world was about to come apart. He still didn't know how things had gone so wrong so quickly. It had been a fairly routine bust. A small-time dealer, a moderate sized shipment. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then one of the dealer's men had started shouting something about Buck, who was acting as his second, being a cop and all hell had broken loose. Buck had taken a bullet in the shoulder and he'd received a graze himself on the arm. Vin had been shot as well. A lucky shot had gotten him in the chest just above his vest. There had been so much blood. Nathan had been afraid they would lose him before the medics got there or they could get him to the hospital. Somehow he'd hung on. Now they waited to hear the results of the surgery.

It had been several hours now and Ezra was sure he was going to go mad from the waiting, from not being able to show how truly scared he was. Even once they knew for sure that Vin was going to be alright, he knew he wasn't going to be able to break down yet. He would have to go with the others to keep vigil over Vin in the hospital room until he awoke. Once he was awake and they'd heard his raspy drawl telling them that they looked like hell and to go away then he would be able to go home and cry and drink himself into a stupor. Just as he'd done every previous time he'd found himself in this position.

How he wished just once he could show his true feelings. How he wished he could tell Vin that he loved him more than he'd ever loved anyone in his entire lifetime. He wanted to tell Vin about how much he longed to run his fingers through his long beautiful hair to see if it really was as silky as it looked. Or tell him how he wanted to make gentle love to him, to hear him cry out his name in rapture. Or tell him how much he enjoyed the trail rides they took together and all the things Vin taught him about the outdoors. He wanted to tell him how much he enjoyed just spending time with him no matter what they were doing. But Ezra knew that would never happen. He would never have the courage to tell Vin his feelings. So he would continue to pretend that he wasn't scared to death of losing the one person who made him truly want to be a better man.

The sound of a chair scraping on the tiled floor and Nathan's magazine being dropped back on the table had him looking up. The sight of a doctor in the doorway wearing surgical scrubs smeared with blood had him on his feet along with the others. The expression, however, on the doctor's face made his blood freeze, sending a chill straight to his heart.

The doctor looked each one of the six men in the face, his sad expression already telling them the outcome, but they needed to hear the words. Until then there was some small hope that his expression was just a lie. His voice was heavy when he spoke. "I'm sorry, gentlemen. There...there was nothing we could do. The bullet hit a major artery. He coded four times. The last time there was just nothing we could do. There was too much damage. He lost too much blood. He never regained consciousness so he shouldn't have been in any pain when he...I'm sorry. We did what he could."

Ezra didn't hear anything else that was said. He knew the others were talking, JD was crying, but it was as if he was seeing it all from a long distance. He didn't notice when the deck of cards slipped from his hands to scatter across the floor or that he'd sat down again. It was becoming difficult for him to breathe, there was a tight burning sensation in his chest like a hand was squeezing his heart. He wanted to shout. He wanted scream that the doctor was wrong, that his beloved Vin was still alive. He wanted someone to tell him that this was all some sick joke and that Vin was going to walk through that door any minute now.

Blackness crept in around the edge of his vision as he struggled to draw in a breath. He saw Josiah, then Nathan, then the doctor come into his line of sight but nothing they said registered, nothing made sense. Finally he let the blackness overtake him and he slipped into unconsciousness.

*************

Josiah was the first to notice Ezra seemed to be having a problem. He'd heard the cards hit the floor and had turned to see the younger man slump back into the chair, a look of utter devastation on his far too pale face. "Ezra?" he called quietly, taking a step towards him. Then he saw that Ezra couldn't seem to draw in a full breath. "Ezra? Ezra! Nathan!"

Nathan turned from questioning the doctor to see what Josiah was yelling about. He looked in time to see Josiah kneel before Ezra while the Southerner struggled to breathe, his face drained of all color as tears streamed down his cheeks. In an instant he was by Josiah's side, one hand grasping Ezra's chin to force him to look at him while his other hand checked the Southerner's pulse. It was far too fast. "Ezra? I need you to listen to me, Ezra. You need to take a deep breath, Ezra. Can you do that? Can you take a deep breath, Ezra?"

The doctor was right beside him and he too checked Ezra's pulse. "Any response?" he asked Nathan. "Any history of heart problem?"

"No, and no," Nathan answered with a quick shake of his head. He saw the look of fading consciousness in Ezra's eyes and quickly shook Ezra's head. "He's going to pass out. Come on, Ezra. I need you to breathe. You need to breathe. Dammit."

"Nurse! I need oxygen here now! And bring a gurney." The doctor shouted over his shoulder as Ezra slumped over, now passed out but his labored breathing hadn't eased any. The nurse arrived with the oxygen tank and mask, the gurney right behind her. They quickly had the Southerner loaded onto the gurney and were wheeling him away as the doctor was shouting orders. The others were left once more to wait.

***

Some time later found Josiah sitting in a chair next to Ezra's hospital bed. Nathan was in a chair on the other side, his head tilted back as he slept. Buck sat with his arm wrapped around JD on the couch. JD had finally cried himself to sleep an hour or so ago. Buck had his eyes closed but Josiah knew he was still awake. Chris was outside making arrangements for Vin.

He saw the faint trembling of lashes against pale skin, then watched Ezra's eyes slowly blink open. There was confusion reflected in the green orbs, confusion that was quickly overshadowed by a deep sadness with a faint flicker of hope. Ezra's gaze moved about turning first to his left to the empty seat, then to his right to settle on Josiah's face.

"'Siah?"

"I'm here, son. I'm here." Josiah leaned forward, one hand automatically moving to smooth back Ezra's hair from his forehead.

"Vin? Where's Vin?"

He sucked in a breath, trying to figure out how to tell this fragile soul they'd lost their brother. Especially since he suspected Vin meant so much more than brother to Ezra.

"He's gone, Ezra." Chris's quiet voice in the doorway took the telling from him.

Ezra's gaze swung to the blonde man. The raw pain and grief in those eyes was like a blow, making Chris take a small step back. He knew instinctively it mirrored the same look that had been in his eyes the day Sarah and Adam had died.

"I'm so sorry," he half-whispered. Then Ezra's gaze moved away from him, settling on the ceiling instead. He felt an overwhelming dread and fear and rushed forward.

"Dammit, Ezra! Don't you do this!" Chris shouted, grabbing his shoulders to shake him. "Don't you run out on us!"

It was too late. Looking into Ezra's eyes was like looking into an empty shell. Ezra was gone, leaving his body to continue on without him. Chris slumped down into the chair behind him, his hands still clutching Ezra's shoulders. He let his head drop down against his arms as the tears began to fall.

"Oh, son," Josiah said softly, clasping Ezra's hand in his. "Why did you never say anything? Why didn't you tell him?"

"Tell who what?" Buck asked. The noise had roused both him and JD and they watched the scene before them, fresh tears already slipping down JD's cheeks. Nathan had gone to get a doctor, fearing the worst.

"I didn't know. I only suspected," Josiah mumbled, his gaze not leaving Ezra's face.

"Suspected what, Josiah?" Grief made his tone sharp.

"Ezra loved Vin."

Buck frowned. "We all loved..."

"No," Josiah shook his head. "Ezra was *in love* with Vin."

Buck's mouth opened in a perfect 'O' as he grasped this latest revelation.

"Vin loved him too," JD said into the silence. Before anyone could ask him to explain further, Nathan rushed into the room with a doctor and a nurse right behind him.

***

Several hours later they watched silently as Ezra's body was wheeled back into the room and transferred onto the bed. The orderlies left with the gurney, leaving the doctor behind to face them.

"I don't have all the results back from the tests yet, but as far as we can tell he's perfectly healthy. No trauma to the head. There's the minor wound on his arm, but that's it. We can find no physical injury that might have caused this," the doctor said with a shrug. He wished he could give them better news. Having just lost one friend, he hated telling them they may have lost another.

"And what is this? What's his condition?" Chris demanded.

"Self-induced coma."

"You can do that?" Buck asked.

"The mind is a powerful thing, Buck," Nathan answered sadly. "I've seen studies where hypochondriacs decide they're sick and a few hours later they had the symptoms. But never anything like this."

"No. This is extremely rare," the doctor agreed. "I've only seen one case myself and that was a young girl who'd been raped by her step-brother."

"But a coma, that means he could wake up right?" JD asked hopefully.

"There is a chance. He could come out of it at any time or never. There's just no way of knowing with any kind of certainty. I'm sorry. I wish I could give you better news."

"Thanks, Doc," Nathan said for them all as he walked him out. When he came back in no one had moved. "Chris, I think you and JD should take a ride out to Nettie's place. They should hear about this in person. Josiah, you'd probably be the best one to call Maude. I think Ezra has her number in his cell phone. Buck, do you want to call the Judge or should I?

"Would you call him, Nate? I'll stay here with...with... I'll stay here. I'll just use the room phone to call Inez. She should know."

They all nodded at that. It was no secret that she cared about them all, but Vin and Ezra were her favorites.

Once the others were gone Buck took the seat next to the bed. "She's gonna be real pissed at you, pard," he said softly. "Hell, I'm pissed at you for making me do this."

There was a moment of silence, Buck's hand resting on he phone as he steeled himself for what he was about to do. He looked over at Ezra's still face. "I hope you're some place good, Ez. I hope Vin is with you."

He took a deep breath, picked up the phone and dialed. "Hello, Inez? It's Buck. I need you to sit down, darlin'."

 

**Epilogue**

"Gloria? Gloria?"

"What is it, dear?" Gloria, the head nurse on duty at the Greenvale Care Hospice asked, coming out of a patient's room.

"There's a group of four men in Mr. Standish's room. They're obviously not family, but I was afraid to ask them to leave," answered the young nurse.

"It's alright, Lucy. Those men are Mr. Standish's family. After a fashion anyway," Gloria said with a matronly smile. She began walking and Lucy fell into step next to her. "Those four men and the fifth one, who I'm sure is on his way, can tell you family is not always about the one you're born into."

They stopped at the main desk where Gloria gave the nurse behind the desk the charts she carried. "If any other visitors come to see Mr. Standish let them by. I'm waiving the usual restrictions."

"Of course, Gloria. I already let Mr. Dunne and the Wellses go back. They said to expect Miss Recillios and maybe Mrs. Standish."

"Yes, that would be expected today."

"Why? What's today?" Lucy asked.

"The first anniversary of Vin Tanner's death and the day Mr. Standish went into his coma. Come with me, child." Gloria gestured for her to follow. "You're new here so you don't know the story.

Lucy walked with Gloria to the room where the patient, Ezra Standish, lay. She'd only been at Greenvale a week so she was still learning her way around things and who the patients were. It seemed so sad to her that a man as handsome as Ezra Standish should be wasting away in a coma. She'd wondered what had happened to cause his condition but his chart was very uninformative.

The curtains were half-drawn on the hallway windows of his room. They could still see inside though to the people gathered around the still figure.

"A year ago these gentlemen were ATF agents and were involved in a bust gone horribly wrong," Gloria began.

***

Staring through the window, Lucy brushed away the tears that had gathered at the corners of her eyes. She felt like she was listening to the tale of a modern day Romeo and Juliet. "How do you know so much about them? Do you know them personally?"

"I've talked with them all. Rarely a day goes by that at least one of them doesn't come by to visit. Sometimes it's only a few minutes. Sometimes it's hours. They all take time out of their lives to visit him, to let him know he's not alone. Hoping that he'll hear their voices and come back."

"Do you think he'll wake up?"

Gloria shrugged. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. Nettie doesn't believe he will. She told me once that he's still here, that he can hear them, but he's waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"I don't know. To pass on perhaps. She still comes to visit though. To keep him company while he waits, she says."

"Buenos dias, Senora," a soft feminine voice said from behind them.

Turning, Gloria smiled as she saw Inez. "How are you, dear?" she asked, giving the woman a hug.

"I have had better days," she admitted with a sad smile. "Today...is what it is. Everyone else is here?"

"All but Mrs. Standish."

"I think that she will come. I must go in now," Inez said with another sad smile.

Gloria nodded. She watched as Inez was greeted warmly by those already present and took a seat next to Buck. He looped his arm over her shoulders, holding her close. It wouldn't be long before they were engaged, Gloria thought with a smile.

"Well, dear, I think it's time you went about your duties. Check on Mr. Hicks and Mr. Starke. Don't forget to turn on Mrs. Malone's TV. Her soaps will be coming on soon."

Lucy did as she was told, glancing back for a second look when she passed a well-dressed woman headed towards Gloria.

"Mrs. Standish," Gloria greeted. It wasn't her current last name, but it was the one she used when she came to visit her son.

"Mrs. Potter. How is my baby boy today?"

"Unchanging, I'm afraid."

Maude sighed as she looked through the window. "I see they're all here."

"Did you expect otherwise today?"

"No. I suppose not."

"Go on in. They're expecting you."

A brief expression of surprise flitted across Maude's face before being replaced with her usual neutral expression settled into place. "Of course they are," she said and walked into the room. She was greeted by everyone and a seat made for her between Nettie and Josiah.

Out of them all Maude came by the least, but with her globe-trotting lifestyle Gloria wasn't really surprised. Her visits though were usually quite interesting. More than once Maude had marched into Ezra's room and demanded he snap out it. She'd go on about how they had things to do or how she'd met the perfect woman for him. Other times she'd come in and simply talk to him. Reminisce about the past. Several times she'd apologized for not being there for him more when he was growing. Maude would promise to make it up to him if he'd just open his eyes, if he'd come back to them. He never did though. Through these conversations Gloria learned that Maude had never been the ideal mother, but she loved her baby boy so. With a soft sigh Gloria walked away. She had duties that needed taking care of and this family deserved privacy.

***

No one noticed the figure standing by the outside window watching them. Ezra leaned against the wall, his arms folded over his chest. He didn't need to look in a mirror, not that he could, to know those gathered would be surprised by his current appearance. He was barefoot for one, and instead of his usual tailored suit he wore a pair of well-worn jeans and a loose cotton shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. These were his comfort clothes. He wore them when he wanted to forget about the baggage that came with being Ezra P Standish.

He knew that they came to visit him all the time. He'd sat and listened to them talk to his body. Some of the things they'd said had been revelations to him, others merely confirmed things he'd suspected. Sometimes they would read things to him. Buck and Nathan were usually good for the newspaper, though with Buck it was usually the personals. Josiah had read him the entire Iliad, and was currently making his way through all of Shakespeare's plays. JD's topics of conversation ranged from Casey to work to the latest video game he'd gotten. Ezra was usually quite amused by him. Chris rarely said much when he came to visit. He'd simply sit by the bed and watch him or stare out the window. When he did talk it was about the ranch and the latest improvements he'd made. Ezra hated that he caused his friends so much sadness, but he couldn't go back. He couldn't face the world without Vin.

Ezra turned from his friends and family to look out at the mountains. He hoped that wherever Vin was he had the mountains and the wide open spaces he so loved. He wished that he could be with Vin. He was so tired of waiting, but he couldn't go back. He couldn't reopen those wounds. Not even for his friends.

"Ezra."

He froze at the sound of that soft raspy drawl. For so long he had yearned to hear that voice again. Now he was afraid to turn for fear that it was just a hallucination. Then he wondered if ghosts could have hallucinations?

"You ain't hallucinatin', and you ain't a ghost, Ez. Leastaways, not yet you ain't." There was humor in that voice and slowly Ezra turned to face it.

"Vin?"

"It's me." Vin confirmed, a lopsided grin curling his lips.

Ezra took a step forward wanting so badly to take him in his arms, yet he wasn't certain.

"Come here, Ezra."

That was all that was needed. Ezra clung to him, his heart soaring at finally being able to hold his love.

"I love you too."

Ezra took a step back to look at him in shock. "What?"

"I love you. I always did, Ezra. I was just too afraid to say anything. Then..."

"You died," Ezra finished for him. He brushed his hand against Vin's cheek in a gentle caress. They'd both been so afraid of admitting their love. "I love you so much, Vin. I couldn't go on without you. It was just too unbearable."

"I know, Ez. I know," Vin crooned softly, holding Ezra tight once more. After a moment he said, "I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner."

"Where have you been anyway?" Ezra asked pulling away again. "I kept calling for you but you never came."

"I couldn't, Ez. I wasn't allowed. At first I couldn't hear you. I was learning about being dead. I saw my mom again, Ez. She's even more beautiful than I remembered." Vin's face lit up with a bright smile.

"I'm very happy you got to see her again."

"She can't wait to meet you either. She already thinks you're great. She's been watching you while she was watching me, and then she watched with me after I died. I wanted to come sooner, but they said you had to make the choice yourself. You had to have time to really decide. So, now that it's been a year you can choose."

"Choose what?"

"Well, you can choose to wake up, rejoin the living. You won't remember much about your time here. You definitely won't remember me and this visit. Or you can choose to remain here in this place for now. If you stay here after this you'll be able to change your decision at any time." Vin paused, regarding him closely. "An' there's the third choice. You can choose to die. We won't be together right at first. You have to be evaluated and taught about bein' dead. But then we'll be together."

"You promise?" Ezra asked.

"I promise, Ez. No matter what we'll be together."

"Then I want to be with you." He glanced back at the others. "I wish I didn't have to leave them, but they have each other. I want to be with you now. I don't want to be alone anymore."

"You won't be." Vin took a step back and held out his hand. "Take my hand, Ezra."

Ezra stared in wonder as Vin's whole body was suffused by a radiant silver glow that shone from within. Tentatively he reached out, sliding his hand into Vin's. Feeling the warmth of that glow fill him, his grip became sure and he smiled. He turned to watch the others with Vin. He was surprised when he saw Nettie looking directly at them. She smiled and whispered, "Goodbye, boys."

As things began to slowly fade he saw them reacting to his passing. There were no shouts, no demands that he return to them, just the gentle fall of tears and prayers that he finally find peace.

He hoped with all his being that they knew he had. His love was no longer lost.

~Fini~


End file.
